That One Guy;

You remember in high school seeing the athletes & wishing one of them was actually yours?

Yeah, I remember that day like it was just 5 minutes ago. I remember going to my first football game, granted it wasn't a varsity game, but that was okay because I was still a freshman so none of my classmates were on varsity, so that was just a thing. (Literally laughing at myself, sitting in the cafe of school, while typing this) Then, there he was... When I saw him it was like something out of a movie, he has just emerged from the ocean or some shit. I'm not completely sure what it was, but something made me look in his direction. Then, of course, our eyes met. That following Monday, I walk into 5th period & actually find out that we're in the same class. Mind you, this football game was like the 2nd week of school & I went to a high school where I literally only knew one person. Of course the rest of the year happens & I freak out every time I saw this kid anywhere because he's the cool jock that everyone wants to be friends with, all while I'm just the random girl in his science class.

The best friend

So, freshman year is ending & I'm thinking to myself that this has got to be the time, if not, I'll go all throughout high school knowing that I didn't even try. One day, I get the courage to talk to him about something. I definitely forgot what it was, but it got me his number. Days go by & we're texting, calling each other, whatever that dumb shit was in high school. LOL. Suddenly, of course, me being the girl that I am, I started falling for him. With him noticing, he decided to stop talking to me all together. No warning, nothing. Sophomore year starts & we don't have classes with each other, also we're still not talking, but my best friend at the time was actually really good friends with his best friend. So, obviously, we were connected, yet again. Starting our relationship like it was new & nothing had happened between us. YEAH RIGHT. News flash, HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF. Feelings were caught, so we stopped talking. Junior year comes around & we actually have another class together. It takes me a couple weeks to start talking to him again because, duh! He left me twice already without being my actual boyfriend & hurt me, of course I'm not just gonna let him in so easily. HAHAH wrong. One day as I was leaving the class that we had together, he grabs me by the hand, (omg my 11th grade heart is crying right now) anyway, he grabs my hand & pulls me into him, as he's apologizing for leaving. Me being me, I'm TRYING to keep my cool, trying to brush him off. (ALSO, WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HALL, SO THERE'S PEOPLE EVERYWHERE) then he kicks his gentleman charm into play. (other than distancing himself when I get feelings, this guy has been nothing but sweet & gentle to me. He's never done anything wrong to me) he grabs my chin then kisses my cheek, of course - at this point, I'm crying; I forgive him right then & there. Junior year passes by & we're friends, (I'm better at hiding my feelings this year, but also I was very scared. I was scared to say anything wrong, I just wanted him around this year) Oh by the way.... This year, I had a boyfriend :) LOL.

mandatory homecoming picture

So, homecoming rolls around & I go with my boyfriend at the time. We go, we're having fun, dancing together then my same bestfriend grabs me & says "let's go, he who shall not be named is coming this way", so we strategically run to the bathroom while my boyfriend wasn't looking. (my boyfriend didn't go to the same school as me & knew none of my friends, by the way). So, we're hiding in the bathroom for a couple minutes, then we decide to head back down to the dance floor.... But of course who's the first person that sees me coming back? He who shall not be named. YES IT'S TRUE. (guys, I wish I was making this shit up...) So he grabs me, while the song "Booty Work" by T-Pain was playing, 'til this day, that song takes me back to that exact moment. So, we dance for a little then in the middle of the dance floor, in front of the whole football team, (he's on varsity by this time), he kisses me. Of course, at this point, I'm confused. I have a boyfriend but my feelings for this guy NEVER left, obviously. So what now? I'm faced with the biggest complication of a teenage girl's life. Break up with your current boyfriend to go for a guy that's never been into you enough to actually date you? Well, I ended up not breaking up with my boyfriend, while still being lowkey friends with he who shall not be named. Well, that hits me in the face one day when my bestfriend has a birthday party & decides to invite HIM. Us being the horny teenagers that we were, we found time to sneak away & found us a great makeout spot. LOL, yes I still had a boyfriend at this time. (I'm not in anyway condoning cheating or 2 timing, this is just how this whole thing played out) He then confessed to me that night that he had the same feelings, so me with the influence of my bestfriend, I broke up with my boyfriend that same night. It also doesn't help that I made a promise to myself that if he ever told me anything like that or that he wanted to be with me, I would have dropped anything & anyone at that exact moment to be with him.

Long behold, my own birthday came around & I invited him to the small party that I was having... This was the day that changed my life, forever. It's the summer going into senior year, my 18th birthday. So, I invited my closest & dearest friends & family. My birthday is in July, so I usually have some kind of water slide, we also had just installed a pool into my backyard, so it was perfect. Well, everyone is having a blast, then about middle of the party, he shows. This was it - I had been playing this moment in my head for years, I just wanted it to be perfect. I took him to my room so he could put all of his belongings there for safe keeping. At this point, everyone is done with the pool & just hanging out in my room. People start getting ideas that we're together & all this high school shit. Then, we went back into my room while no one was in there & it happened - yes, THAT happened; he had taken my virginity. Granted, it wasn't the exact way that I had pictured it to be, but it was with a guy that I thought I loved. Someone that I had very strong feelings for, but most importantly, someone that I had trusted. Whelp, big surprise - summer flies by & senior year starts. We don't talk at all for the rest of the summer & we don't talk at all during senior year. It was freshman year all over again, we had no connection or reasons to talk. Of course, I was hurt, but there was literally nothing that I could do. In my mind, I thought it was because all he wanted from me was to take my virginity, so I didn't even want to deal with it, I was heartbroken. On top of that, my grandfather who had been battling cancer had finally lost the fight & died that same year. I was a mess senior year, at this point, I was popping pain pills. I didn't want to be able to feel anything & I thought that being numb was the best way to get there. Senior year was actually the same year that I started to smoke cigarettes & drink just a little more, like I said, I was a hot mess. I was getting more & more distant to my bestfriend at that time, I was losing everyone. Towards the end of the year, nearing graduation, I finally decided that it was time to move on.

Day of Graduation

I was about to walk across that stage & show him what he was missing & that he wasn't effecting me anymore. I wanted to show him that I was much stronger than I said I was, clearly - I was acting, which I was actually kind of good at.

Needless to say, I graduated & I hadn't talked to him in about a couple years. He then actually messaged me on Facebook - from Japan. He's now in the military & let's be honest, he still has that charm that makes my high school heart skip a beat.

I don't know, maybe it's that little glimpse of hope, but there's got to be a reason as to why that one person tends to keep coming back into your life, regardless of what's happened. Maybe it's meant to be, but again, maybe it's not. There's really only one way to find out. If we don't end up together, that's okay, I have made peace with that. If we do? Ah, my high school heart can only dream, lol. But, like I said, I've become that woman that has decided that she doesn't need a man to make her happy, because she can make herself happy & she can do bad all by herself. But, I know there's always gonna be that one guy that makes our hearts skip a beat but the question is.... What do we do about it?

I do not have an answer for you & with that I'm not able to help you out with that, but what I can say is that you're beautiful, strong & you're badass. Go conquer the world, girlfriend.

- Iris Kotico